A Love I May Regret
by GreenGirl13
Summary: A one-shot fic based on Stephen Sondheim's musical, Passion. Giorgio's version of "I Wish I Could Forget You."


Lindsay Zana and Dacia Williams

**A Love I May Regret**

_**This Fan-Fic is one inspired from the musical Passion by Stephen Sondheim. The musical revolves around a young Captain named Giorgio, who, at the beginning of the show, is the lover of a beautiful married woman named Clara. He is shipped away to a base where he meets Fosca, a very ugly, sickly woman who has fallen in love with Giorgio, despite his attempts to explain to Fosca that he does not love her. At the very end of the show, Giorgio realizes that Fosca's feelings for him is truly what love is, and even more extraordinarily, that he has fallen in love with her as well. He ends things with Clara, and he and Fosca consummate their love, even though they both know that the act could very well mean death for Fosca, as her body is too weak to recover.  
The fic contains lyrics to two songs from the show "I Wish I Could Forget You" and the beautiful, "Loving You."  
This One-shot takes place near the end of the show, just after Giorgio has returned early from a 40 day sick leave he had been given. He has been deeply moved by Fosca's simple declaration of her love for him on the train before he left, and is beginning to realize how his feelings may have changed for her. **_

_**The song "I Wish I Could Forget You" (the letter that Giorgio reads in the fic) is sung in the musical by Fosca, as she dictates the letter to Giorgio, who, although uncomfortable, writes it down for Fosca. This entire one shot came from the idea of what it might be like for Giorgio to sing the song back to Fosca…truly meaning the words as the song goes on.  
Enjoy!**_

_Click._

_Click_

_Click._

My footsteps echoed sharply on the hard stone as I paced, my thoughts racing. Ever since I had returned from Milan I could not make sense of my emotions, try as I might. The entire time I had been away…had been with Clara…I could not stop thinking about Signora Fosca. Even while Clara and I would be having a conversation, walking, enjoying each other's company…I could not keep my mind from straying to thoughts of the sickly woman who had spoken to me on the train.

The train. Those words.

_"Loving you is not a choice, it's who I am." _

Could anyone truly love that deeply? Could anyone continue to love that deeply having been refused so many times before? For some reason I couldn't wrap my mind around it, of he idea of the depth of this strange woman's feelings for me.

_"It gives me purpose, gives me voice to say to the world 'this is why I live', you are why I live." _

Why? Why did she feel this way for me? After the way I had treated her? The way I had…yelled at her the last time we had spoken. The memory flashed into view, Fosca's face as I flung my words at her, wanting to push her away from me, wanting her to understand that her…_obession _with me was not healthy. I saw again the way she had trembled, saw her collapse to the wet, rocky ground. I felt…_shame… _now, for considering leaving her there, out in the cold…helpless and alone.

A small, nervous laugh escaped my lips. Carrying her back to base in the rain was what given me fever, what had earned me my 40 days leave and what had eventually led to where I was now, pacing alone in a courtyard, grasping for understanding.

_"I will live, and I would die for you."_

Would she really die for me? As soon as that thought entered my mind it was followed by the memory of her response when I had asked her that very question on the train.

_"Would Clara give her life for yours? Would she Giorgio? I would. Happily." _

Those were the words that had echoed in my head the loudest while I was in Milan. Every time I looked at Clara…my beautiful...wonderful Clara…I would think _would she give her life for me? Truly? _The question ate me up inside, although I suspected that a part of me already knew the answer.

"Captain Bachetti."

I started slightly at the sound of my name. I hadn't heard anyone else approach. As Colonel Ricci stepped forward I straightened up and saluted, noticing that the Colonel looked a bit wearier than the last time I had seen him.

"At ease, Captain. I have not had the chance to talk to you properly since you returned from Milan. Earlier than instructed, Captain."

"With all due respect Colonel, I did not feel that remaining away for the full extent of my leave was necessary. I am much improved and am prepared to return to my duties."

The Colonel regarded me for a moment, coming to stand next to me and following my gaze out across the courtyard, toward the view of the ruined castle in the distance.

"The Doctor is not pleased that you have returned against his wishes, Captain…though I will admit, I am very much pleased to know that you have recovered and that you feel strong enough to resume your place here. I have been rather troubled for many days since you left. My cousin has fallen ill again and the Doctor is worried by her condition, in addition, the men seem to have become rather…"

"Worried? What has happened?" I was surprised at the panic that had threatened to escape as the Colonel spoke of Fosca's condition. Yes, I knew that the woman was often ill, but the tone of his voice made this sudden relapse sound…much more serious than her previous episodes.

"Why, she has refused to eat, refused to leave her bed. For days she would do nothing but stare at the ceiling. Her fits have become more and more frequent…I have been at her bedside nearly every day…we are unsure as to what caused this sudden change in her health."

"How long as she been this way?"

"Her symptoms began appearing about 12 days ago."

At those words all of my confusion and scrambled thoughts were pushed into the background. 12 days ago. Right after I had left. A sudden fear gripped my stomach and sent ice shooting through my veins. I had to wait a moment before I could speak again.

"May I see her?"

--

The door closed quietly behind me as I entered Signora Fosca's room, my breath catching in my throat as I moved forward and saw her. She lay unmoving, her eyes closed, her dark hair standing out against the white pillows. She was so still. I felt a small sigh of relief escape me as I drew closer and saw her chest rising and falling with her faint breaths.

Had I done this to her? Had my harsh words affected her more than she had let me see on the train? Why did I feel so guilty? Why had my heart raced the moment her cousin had mentioned she was ill? I slid heavily into the chair that was drawn up to her bedside, resting my head in my hands and gripping my hair in frustration. With another sigh I willed myself to relax, my gaze returning to the fragile woman in the bed.

My mind traveled back to the night she had asked me to stay with her. I remembered how uncomfortable I had felt when she had insisted I lay on the bed next to her, how strange it had been to awaken from an uneasy sleep to the feel of her hand on my face. As the memories came flooding back I stood, running a hand across my eyes, wondering why I was remembering that night. I moved to the desk beside the window to light the lamp, as shadows were beginning to darken the room. As I turned away I saw that one of the desk drawers was open slightly. A worn piece of paper was just visible to me, my own familiar handwriting discernable on the parchment.

Slowly, uncertain as to why I was doing it, I freed the paper from where it had been trapped between the pages of a book. The paper was well worn, creased from being folded and unfolded over and over again. I walked slowly back to the bed and sank down into the chair as my eyes scanned over the words I had written on that same moonlight night I had just been thinking about.

"My dearest…Fosca" I heard myself say softly, reading the letter out loud. I don't know why I felt the need to say the words aloud, or why I felt the need to glance at the unconscious woman who had asked me to write her own words down in this letter. All of this was a mystery to me.

"I wish I could forget you, erase you from my mind.

But ever since I met you, I find,

I cannot leave the thought of you behind.

That doesn't mean I love you…"

My voice faltered slightly as I reached that line, remembering the cold…the _cruel_ way I had spoken to Fosca out on the mountain…how I must have hurt her…

"I wish that I could love you.

I know that I've upset you. I know I've been unkind.

I wanted you to vanish from sight,

But now I see you in a different light."

_Is that what happened? Am I seeing you differently? Is that why I came back? _

"And though I cannot love you,

I wish that I could love you…

For now I'm seeing love, like none I've ever known.

A love as pure as breath, as permanent as death,

Implacable as stone."

Almost unconsciously, I felt myself reach out and place my hand on top of Fosca's, the knot in my stomach tightening as I realized how hot her skin felt on mine.

"A love that, like a knife, has cut into the life

I wanted left alone."

I heard our words again in my mind.  
_"You would die for me? What kind of love is that?"_

_"__The purest love."_

Clara would not die for me. I knew that. She would not give up her comfortable, convenient life for mine. Perhaps I had always known that.

"A love I may regret,

But one I can't forget."

I did not notice that the letter had slipped through my fingers and fluttered to the floor. I did not notice the sudden tears that sprang up behind my eyes as I suddenly grasped the depth and purity of Fosca's love. The words came to me now from memory…or perhaps they were the words my heart had known ever since that night on the train.

"I don't know how I let you so far inside my mind,

But there you are and there you will stay,

How could I ever wish you away?

I see now I was blind!

And should you die tomorrow…

Another thing I see…

Your love will live in me."

For a moment I was unsure exactly what had happened. All I knew was that I was sitting, grasping Fosca's delicate hand between both of mine, fighting back my sudden emotions. With a shaking hand I brought Fosca's hand up to my lips, planting a light kiss on the hot skin, my mind suddenly calmer. With a slight start I realized that Fosca was staring at me, a look in her eyes that I couldn't quite read. For a moment we simply stared at each other, transfixed in the other's gaze.

Finally, Fosca sighed, very lightly, very softly, and her small hand squeezed mine, a faint smile flickering across her face.

_And should you die tomorrow…_

_Another thing I see..._

_Your love will live in me. _


End file.
